Dear Dead Diary
by ImAColdOne
Summary: Myrnin is an ancient vampire. But things are changing for him, and now Amelie has decided he should write it all down. In a diary. A little bit of Myrnin every week. Find out what goes through Myrnin's mind in his Dear Dead Diary.
1. Team Myrnin?

**Hai .! So this is an idea I've had for a while, and I finally decided to start writing it down ;D! oh, and I finally finished the entire Morganville series, and I'm reading them again :$ aha! **

**Myrnin's diary, a weekly piece of what goes through Myrnin's mind. Enjoy :D**

**~ImAColdOne.**

Dear Diary,

Today Amelie decided it was time for me to have a new apprentice. She also decided that I should keep a diary to document on this disease I 'apparently' have. Has this era never learned of doctors! I could fix this by drinking my own urine or using maggots on my skin! Gah!

The 21st centaury is too busy with it's jPods and it's VDV's. Hasn't anyone ever heard or Beethoven? He was one awesome guy. He was my best friend for a few years, until he, er, died. I'd rather be living in a lab, doing actual scientifical things, not making Blarbie dolls and totally being down with the homies listening to the new beats, yo. Yes, I'd rather stay in some stingy basement lab and do proper things that could save an entire race!

I wonder what my new assistant will be like. Will it be a boy or a girl? Will they be smart? Will I kill them? All of these are very important questions! I do not want a repeat with what happened to Ada. First she was my assistant, then I killed her, then I turned her into a vampire, then I killed her again, then I turned her into a 300 year old 'computer' as the homies call it these days. Hmm …

I found an old music disc in a box earlier, I don't know how it got there, but it was there. I put it in a portable music disc player Amelie had given me for Christmas last year, and guess what? It was okay. The music is by an artist named, Eminem. He sings really fast and uses the naughty words I say when I stub my toe on one of the many book piles in here. When I put on the ear speakers and pressed the button that makes the music start, I had this overwhelming urge to, oh what do today's people call it, erm … oh I know, shake my booty and crank dat grass! Yeah! So I shaked my booty and I cranked dat grass all night long to songs called Not Afraid, We Made You, Crack A Bottle and a song named Love The Way You Lie, which apparently featured someone named Rihanna? Well from my calculations, Rihanna was the girl because the man sounded like the man in the other songs. Is that man Eminem? What's Eminem's real name?

I like this CD!

I even made up my own version!

_I'm not afraid,_

_Of Oliver,_

_And Amelie_

_Can kiss my fangs!_

_You walk down the alley,_

_To the lab,_

_I like to drink blood,_

_And lots of it,_

_My name is Myrnin,_

_And I kick ass!_

What do you think?

Also while I was looking for this book, I came across a book named Twilight. I read it in about an hour. It's intresting, the romance between Bella and Edwardo. It's also a load of bollocks! Ask any vampire, from Morganville or even from freaking Australia. That kinda stuff, it just .. It just doesn't happen! Anywhere! Don't get me wrong, I like the creativness of it, and I really like that Jacob. It's official, Myrnin is on Team Jacob! I might read the second one sometime, I probably have it somewhere in here.

OHMYGOD! Someone should write books about Morganville! And I can be in them! And everyone would love me because I would be the best character in it and they would love me for my funnyness, my beautiful hair and my sexy, chiselled features! Oh yes! I would like that! Then everybody would be on Team Myrnin and they would all be awesome because they worshipped me and nobody would be on Team Oliver! Indeed!

Oh look at the time, my toast must have popped!

Yours awesomely and godly,

Myrnin xx

**So what you guys think? What do you think of Myrnin's song? Think it could hit number one on the charts? Are you Team Myrnin or Team Oliver? Will Myrnin get to his toast on time? Will he ever find out Eminem's real name? All will be revealed in the next chapter or Dear Dead Diary ;D!**


	2. Myrnin is so EMO!

**Heres entry two to Myrnin's diary (:! And shoutout to *DUN DUN DUN* FANGSBABY!**** she reveiwd this story, the very first review which makes her awesomeness :D! I wonder if she's Team Myrnin aha? Who wouldn't! TEAM MYRNIN FTW ;D!**

**~I'mAColdOne**

Dear Diary,

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! I GOT MY NEW ASSISTIANT! YAY!

Well it's a girl, GUTTEEEEEED! And she's called Claire Danvers. She's a little short for my liking, and a little scrawny, but after she spends time with the Myrniniester, she'll be different I bet you. And maybe she'll join my team Myrnin fan club! I started a facebook group for it, but I have no members. Should I have put on it:

_Hello world. My name is Myrnin, jealous right? Would you like to join Team Myrnin? If you do you will be the envy of your friends, everyone will want to be bezzies with you. Is that what today's people call it, bezzies? Well anyway, I am a vampire and I'm really really really old, older than that Edward Cullen, he's so fake. Anyway as you can tell from my beautiful display picture, I am gorgeous, chiselled features, bright eyes, and a dazzling smile, bettter that Edward's. And I am sexy and should be a God I'm that stunning. I am very modest, as you can see. Edward would have went on forever and ever on this. But oh no, I stop here my lovelies ;D!_

_So join Team Myrning and we will kick Oliver's ASS! :P_

I think it sound just about right.

I had another one of my mood swings today, and I almost hurt poor little Claire. Oh, she doesn't know what she's got herself into, helping a awesome sexy vampire of my condition. I did warn Amelie, but it was no good. She gave me that look. I don't know what it meant to I found the laptop I never use and type in: angry faces for no reason and mood swings. And you know what came up in the search engine?

_Periods._

At first I thought this thing was referring to Amelie as a full stop but after later research I found out something that would scar me forever. And I don't want to quiz you on the birds and the bee's, Diary. But I think Amelie is on her period. Aha, ewwwwwww.

Anyway, this little Claire is a smarty artie! She is ahead of all her classes at TPU. That's right, I know the lingo! And, she answered my questions! Yes, it was Rihanna as the girl in that song. You see I had a gut feeling, I just knew it! I'm psychic I think. And Eminem, guess what, he isn't really called Eminem *shocked face*! His real name is Marshall Bruce Mathers, the third! Must mean he is from royalty. Yet, I am just Myrnin, THE ONE AND ONLY!

Anyway, I'm so over Eminem, im totally into other stuff now. Claire lent me a new music disc, which she reffered to as a CD. This will need further research. Anyway, this Claire said it belonged to her friend Eve, who had lent it to her, but it wasn't Claire's kind of music. But this is good stuff. Its from a band named *reads CD case awkwardly* Bring, Me … The Horizon. Anyway, they are awesome cause all they do is scream their songs. It's so meaningful, the totally get me. Its like, its like these - these songs are written for me, I mean .. we just, we just totally connect together. According to Claire this is Emo music, so I researched 'emo' on Goooogley pictures and I have decided they are cool and I have become an emo.

I decided to go find an emo shop and found one in Morganville of all places! I bought baggy black trousers with chains, chains, chains! And a skin tight mesh top so everyone can see my sexy pale emo body. My hair is long enough, so I bought straighters too. And black liquorice hair dye, and purple stuff so I can streak it! And I even bought black lipstick and eyeliner. But I'm not buying those boots, their too heavy, I can't move in them, even with vampire strength! So I'm just wearing flip flops. Oh, and I bumped into Claire's little friend named Eve. And she started recommending all this stuff to buy. And she said that I needed spiky chokers and that the boots would complete the outfit, but I declined. No fangs used. Eve said to make sure I didn't get a tan, and not to listen to those bloggers who say it's okay to slit your wrists. Claire keeps looking at me funny because Eve must have told her. No one lets me do anything fun!

I taught Claire lot's of things today. And gave her lots of books to read for tomorrow. Isn't education fun! I think Claire needs a nickname. Hmm … Smartsmallperson aha! That's evil, Myrnin! YES!

"Myrnin!" *stops writing*

"Yes Claire?"

"What are you doing?"

"Oh nothing!" *begins writing again*

Need to go, Diary. Smartsmallperson is coming aha! Isn't secret nicknames fun!

Your's emoley and depressingly,

Myrnin xx

**Aha, so what you think of Myrnin's emo stage? Will Myrnin stay emo? What will be next entry's music theme? Will ever get any fans on Facebook? Will he find out if Amelie is PMSing? Will he ever read New Moon? All of these question's will be answered in the next entry to Myrnin's Dear Dead Diary ;)**

**Ps.! No update for a week unless I update before Friday cause im going back to England (: xx**


	3. Bieber Fever!

**I've decided to write, maybe 2 more entries before I leave, as where im going has no internet connection ): how will I survive! I'll write more while I'm away as well. I've also started a new story called To Remember Claire which I might post, hope you like it (:! **

**Oh and FANGSBABY (love the name aha!) is on Team Myrnin, **

**Myrnin: SCOREEEEEEEEEEE!**

**Me: Shut up Myrnin.**

**Myrnin: Sorry.**

**Yeah he better be! Anyway here is entry 3 (:!**

**~I'mAColdOne**

Dear Diary,

Today, Claire and I made some crystals. The hold off my mood swings for a few hours and if I give them to Claire they make her work and learn things really fast! Should I tell her they could kill her? Probably not. Claire thinks this is a good idea to take the crystals because it stops my mood swings. Earlier I heard her say something under her breath that sounded like: Jesus Myrnin, they should call you Bipolar Man! But then again I'm not too sure. So I called her Smartsmallperson in my mind, aha!

After Claire had left, I found out - after a slap to the face - that Amelie is not PMSing. It was a hell of an awkward conversation, also because Sam was there too. He really likes her, he must be dead heavy gutted. Emphasis on the _dead_. Teehee!

Facebook group: one member. Hey it's a start.

I listened to the radio, the first time since the war. Its not called a wireless anymore, as Smarty Arse Claire pointed out. The one I have is a FM Radio or something. I tuned it into a radio playing: phresh new beatz. Um, okay. And I have a new obsession. _Justin Bieber._ *dear god Myrnin, well it was only a matter of time* And I was like bay-bee bay-bee bay-bee NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He is so beautiful. I went back to that store I was in yesterday. Hot Topic? In Morganville? Anyway, I bought an 'I love JUSTIN BIEBER' shirt. I bought sweatbands, Cds and the magical light up Justin Bieber pen. I LOVE LOVE JUSTIN BIEBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

More than flip flops.

I also informed Oliver of Team Myrnin and Oliver. He used a very rude word that started with f and ended with off. I was soo P Oed! He said that Team Oliver could kiss his arse *shocked face*! I told him he could shove it up his sleeve! On my walk, I heard some kids singing "Face down, ass up that's the way we like to (bad word that starts with f that Oliver said)" but I was thinking, it should be "Face down, ass up that's the way we like to tie our shoes." That seems more rational, don't you think?

Ho hum pigs bums. Aha, bums.

Buttox. Butt. Arse! Aha!

I found New Moon. Just finished it. Totally TEAM JACOB, yummy! But as I may have mentioned before, his big wolfy body is no match for my super sexyness! I have an eight pack, what has he got, paws he hasn't grown into yet! And that Edward. What the face! See I know what wtf means! He sparkles, seriously. Everyone knows vampires burn in the sun! And what is he doing leaving poor Bella. If I were her I would go over there and kick his arse out on the street! Nobody treats Bella that way. And she just takes him back! WHAT THE FACE! Nobody in their right mind does that. My theory is Edward is in partnership with Bishop and he has compelled Bella with something and she can never leave him. That bastard.

Well I have nothing to do now seeing as it is 5am. I really should start to decorate my Christmas tree because it is nearly October. I should go now, need to go have a little drink. Sorry for such the short entry, Diary. I do hope you will forgive me?

Yours Team Jacobly and Justin Bieberly,

Myrnin xx

**Myrnin likes Justin Bieber … well this is Myrnin we are talking about. Is there anything you would like Myrnin to listen to, read, talk about. If there is tell me in a review and your topic could be in the next entry to Myrnin's diary. What's going to happen next for Myrnin, you'll just have to wait til the next entry in Myrnin's Dear Dead Diary**


	4. Myrnin Can't Be Tamed?

**Thanks for the idea of this entry *DUNDUNDUN* FangsBaby! (totally awesome fanfictioner who makes me want to keep writing this story) oh and btw in the last entry she was the first person to join Team Myrnin Fan Club aha! Not a normal entry, will let Myrnin explain …**

**~I'mAColdOne**

Dear Diary,

Not going to write a normal entry today, seeing as nothing really happened in the lab. But I have found a new muse, Miley Cyrus. I found her watching on of Shane Dawson's videos on you tube, it's a great site if you didn't know! And he pretended he was her and dressed up in a wig and sorts. I gooogeleyed her and her song "Cant Be Tamed" appeared. I knew I had to analyse this. So here is what I found out:

Miley Cyrus - Can't Be Tamed (2010). - yes I do understand the year my friend.

For those who don't know me, I can get a bit crazy- _from this we know, if you don't know her, she can get a bit crazy_Have to get my way, 24 hours a day - _she has to get her way, 24 hours a day. Lame rhyme._'Cause I'm hot like that - _she is hot like that apparently._Every guy everywhere just gives me mad attention - _all the guys give her 'mad' attention?_Like I'm under inspection, I always get the 10s - _10s being … numbers?_'Cause I'm built like that - _she is built like that, what is that?_I go through guys like money flyin' out their hands - _she mus be some kind of prostitute._They try to change me but they realize they can't - _they cant change her?_And every tomorrow is a day I never planned - _she thinks she will die every night. And people think I'm weird._If you're gonna be my man, understand - _if your gonna be her man, you gotta understand._[Chorus]I can't be tamed, - _she can't be tamed, like how I tamed bob._

I can't be saved - _nobody can save her, save her from what?_I can't be blamed, - _she can't be blamed, I don't want to know what she was being blamed for?_

I can't, can't - _she can't, she can't_I can't be tamed, I can't be changed - _I think we have already established this …_I can't be saved, I can't be (can't be)I can't be tamed - _as I said, she can't be tamed._If I see my reflection bout my intentions - _um .. Not even I can crack this, my get Claire._I'll tell ya I'm not here to sell ya - _she'll tell ya, she's not here to sell ya?_Or tell ya to get to hell - _or she will tell you to get to hell … okay?_I'm like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged - _she is a puzzle, but her pieces are jagged, therefore you can not crack the puzzle, meaning she is weirder than I had thought._If you can understand this, we can make some magic - _if you understand the above, you can make magic …_I'm on like that - _she is on like that. On what?_I wanna fly - _she wants to fly, all she has to do is get on that metal bird contration. _

I wanna drive - s_he wants to drive,_ _must have failed at getting her license._

I wanna go - _she wants to leave, well go then! We don't want you here!_I wanna be a part of something I don't know - _why?_And if you try to hold me back I might explode - _don't hold this girl back, or you will be covered in guts …_Baby by now you should know - _by now, baby, you should know …_[Chorus]I can't be tamed, I can't be saved - _im not repeating myself …_I can't be blamed, I can't, can'tI can't be tamed, I can't be changedI can't be saved, I can't be (can't be)I can't be tamedI'm not a trick you play, I ride a different way - _shes not a trick you play, she hides a different way … um, yes I definitely need Claire's help._I'm not a mistake, I'm not a fake, It's set in my DNA - _aha she's not fake, if she was her name would be EDWARD CULLEN!_Don't change me (x4) - _don't change her …_(I can't be tamed) - _as I might have mentioned: SHE CAN'T BE TAMED._I wanna fly I wanna drive I wanna go - _here we go again with this repeating bull poo!_I wanna be a part of something I don't knowAnd if you try to hold me back I might explodeBaby by now you should know[Chorus]I can't be tamed, I can't be saved - _okay now I am bored .._I can't be blamed, I can't, can'tI can't be tamed, I can't be changedI can't be saved, I can't be (can't be)I can't be tamed - _she cant be tamed …_

Well I later watched the video, where she is dressed up like a bird. And she ruins a museum, I mean come on! All those historical facts! Ruined! GOSH!

From what my studies have gathered, Miley Cyrus is a slut, and attention whore and she can't sing - when she does she sounds like a man with severe constipation.

Oh, and she can't be tamed.

Yours bored eternally,

Myrnin xx

**Sorry this wasn't a proper entry, need some ideas. If you have any on who Myrnin should listen too or what you'd like to see him get up to in his daily life, let me know in a review. You'll get a cookie! I promise a proper entry next time (: So, what's next for Myrnin, find out in the next entry to Myrnin's Dear Dead Diary.**


	5. AN: Please Read!

**Authors Note:I f you don't want to read, please don't!**

**Well in the last chapter I did a Miley Cyrus thing, I don't know why it came out all squashed like that. So I am just letting you know that I apologise for my messy computer handwriting … yeah. Also, to be honest, I have nothing against Miley so no Miley lovers be spamming me m'kay?**

**And I am on Team Edward, so no Twihards spamming me either. Myrnin is on Team Jacob and he doesn't like Edward, that's just the way it is you need to accept that. I don't know what Myrnin sees in Jacob, I prefer sparkly vampires, at least they are not reduced into a pile of ash! Still, that's why I keep Michael and Sam Glass is my wardrobe ;D**

**I'm not trying to be a review ho, but I need some ideas on what to write about, please review. Also it will make me happy so I will update more :D**

**Also, I've started to write a new story called To Remember Claire. Claire moves away and it's about what happens two years later … I'm quite proud of it! But I don't know whether to post it, because I already have written a few MV fanfics? I think it's one of the nicest things I've written, and yeah im really proud, but im not sure. Help?**

**And please check out my other MV fanfic, Trail of Blood. It's set during Glass Houses, only with a completely different storyline to it (:**

**Oh, and what do you think about this idea, Myrnin getting his own fan fiction. I'll put Dear Dead Diary up on it too and other Myrnin related things … is it a good idea? Obviously I will do it when Dear Dead Diary has about 20-30 reviews so please (oh me being a review ho again) review ;D!**

**Well I better go check on Michael and Sam, they have been in there a for a few months now, oh if only I knew where Shane was .. He never returns my calls ):**

**~I'mAColdOne**


	6. Split Ends?

**Hey, im tired. Well it is 3 am so don't expect the longest entry or the randomest. Im just having fun messing about with Myrnin's mind so I write more chapters whenever I feel like it, aha!**

**This entry was based of an idead by: Flying Penguinz go check her out!**

**Also, I might have not said it already: Fangsbaby check her out too! Awesomeness btw ;)!**

**~I'mAColdOne**

Dear Diary,

Bored.

I am seriously, and incredibly bored.

I have not been bored in over a hundred years. Yet I am, I am bored.

It's Claire's day off, so I am alone.

But one thing I am annoyed at is this: split ends.

I, MYRNIN THE AWESOME GREAT AND SEXYNESS, HAS SPLIT ENDS!

All hell has broke loose!

I noticed them today after brushing my hair for the first time in five months. And I don't like it one bit!

I can't get a haircut. I hate hairdressers. They scare me with the beautiful smells and rich coffees. ):

I really don't know what to do! I called Claire, though she was a little P Oed that I called her on her day off. I think she was watching a movie with that Shane, !

Well anyway, she said I try a good shampoo and conditioner, what?

What is shampoo, conditioner? She was really annoyed that I asked that because she had to explain it. Shampoo cleans your hair … like soap cleans your body and teefpaste cleans your nashers. (teeth)

So I asked her what was the best, but she hung up. I'm going to need help! I went to the emo shop, they don't sell it. So they sent me to the quicke-mart. I paraded the isles for hours. Seriously, I went there at 6 and came out at 9! In the night! And I found a few bottles, some head and shoulders, some loreal, some tressemee (**I can't spell this btw ;)**). and then, out the corner of my eye, I spotted something that may have changed my life: _Burt's Grandma's Homemade Shampoo and Conditioner Set. All natural._

!

So I bought that. And seriously.

IT DOES NOT WORK!

On the bottle it said, _Burt's Grandma spent years trying to find the most perfect shampoo, until she made it herself. It leaves hair super shiny, full of volume, and damage free! __best used with Burt's Grandma's Homemade Conditioner (included in set)._

What a load of bull poo!

One, my hair is the same way it was before. Two, it is as flat as a bird that had been ran over by twenty billion cars. And three, I still have split ends. The conditioner bottle said that if used after the shampoo it gave extra protection and amplified the results. Seriously, I am more P Oed than Amelie when I asked her about periods … yeah, that P Oed!

I am not a happy Myrnin right now.

I mean, who says that, its bad marketing!

Everyone thinks "_oh I will have perfect hair everyone will love me like they love Myrnin because he is so awesome and sexy. I want to be just like him. Who wouldn't I mean look at him, he radiates sexyness. Nobody can withstand it, he is just to sexy!_" see what I mean! but nobody tells them it won't work.

They should write on the bottle: _Does not work you ass swipe! Ahaha you just got punk'd by a grandma._" I think that is more appropriate.

I feel used.

I think I will give up and never shower, and go to the hairdresers. DUN DUN DUN!

Well, sorry for the short entry, diary. I'm rather tired. I think I will start on Eclipse.

Wheres the Morganville books. I need to get this going, man!

Yours usedted and P Oed,

Myrnin xx

**Yeah, guys! I'm on holiday now and I was banned from the laptop where I write all my randomness. But I snuck back on it for you, so I could write another entry. That is why it so short, now you know how much I love you all! I had to keep hiding it every time someone came in my room :$! Review please please please, omg im such a review junkie! Will do shout outs next time ;D**


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